Does being massively fat equate to NFL coaching success?

I’ve been thinking about this topic for a while now. The very basic thought that first sparked deeper thinking on this topic arose from this hypothetical scenario: if I were an NFL player and I was told to run extra wind sprints because I ran the wrong route or something, would I harbor any extra resentment if I were told to do this by a super fat coach? Answer: yes.

Well, I decided to study this notion a bit further. I have put together a statistical study so sophisticated that MIT just offered me an honorary PhD in math. Margin for error, zero.

NFL coaches in this study are each assigned to one of 4 weight categories: fit, normal, overweight and massively fat. The success rating is determined by using a 10 point scale. Added weight (pun intended) is given to those coaches who have led their teams deep into the playoffs (except for Brad Childress because he’s a tool).

Here is a rundown of present NFL coaches, their weight, and their success rating:

• Mike McCarthy – overweight; 7
• Brad Childress – normal; 6
• Jim Schwartz – fit; 3
• Lovie Smith – overweight; 6
• Mike Shanahan – fit; 7
• Andy Reid – massively fat; 8
• Tom Coughlin – normal; 8
• Wade Phillips – overweight; 7
• Sean Payton – fit; 9
• John Fox – overweight; 6
• Mike Smith – overweight; 8
• Raheem Morris – fit, 3
• Pete Carroll – fit; 7 (likely rating after a few NFL years – he will be good)
• Ken Whisenhunt – fit; 9
• Mike Singletary – fit; 6
• Steve Spagnuolo – fit; 3
• Tom Cable – overweight; 4
• Josh McDaniels – fit; 6
• Todd Haley – fit; 3
• Norv Turner – normal; 7
• Mike Tomlin – fit; 9
• John Harbaugh – fit; 8
• Marvin Lewis – normal; 6
• Eric Mangini – overweight; 5
• Bill Behlicheck – overweight, 9
• Tony Sparano – overweight, 6
• Rex Ryan – massively fat, 8
• Chan Gailey – overweight, 5
• Jim Caldwell – overweight, 8
• Jeff Fisher – normal, 7
• Jack Del Rio – normal, 6
• Gary Kubiak, normal 5

Results of this scientific, incredibly accurate study?

• 12 fit coaches – average skill level of 6.083
• 7 normal coaches – average skill level of 6.429
• 11 overweight coaches – average skill level of 6.4545
• 2 massively fat coaches – average skill level of 8

So, the best coaches overall are massively fat, followed by overweight, then normal and the worst coaches are fit. Perhaps the extra resentment some players may feel when yelled at by fatter coaches is somehow channeled into a focused anger that is then taken out on the field during games, leading to higher quality play.