Mike – Teddy – Marcus:
My name is Andy Hayes and I am writing to apply for the Defensive Coordinator position. I have never coached football and I have virtually no contacts in the sport of football at any level, much less the NFL. In my personal history of playing sports, I have never played a defensive position, and if the opportunity to play defense ever presented itself in a game situation, I demonstrated an alarming lack of defensive instinct. I am relatively weak physically, have a growing gut and due perhaps to excessive Pabst consumption, have some trouble processing thoughts quickly and/or remembering most things. I do speak Spanish.
Once you choose me as your defensive coordinator, the first thing I will do is cut Brady Poppinga (though Ted, Mark Murphy, I would be OK if you guys wanted to offer him a non-severance/severance package including a salaried position as a PR rep for the organizationgoing forward if that made you feel more comfortable). Then, I would put huge pressure on you Tedster, to sign UFAs OJ Atogwe, Terrell Suggs, James Farrior, Albert Haynesworth, Nnandi Asomugha, Julius Peppers and for field position purposes…Shane Lechler. Once we had those guys in the fold, I would spend most of my time in the booth upstairs sitting in an obnoxiously large leather recliner, drinking free beer, eating free sausages, socializing, talking about non-football things like the weather in Puerto Vallarta or my new roof rake and occasionally checking out the field to catch one of the 4 interceptions or 8 sacks my defense would average per game.
In short, if you want a dominant, creative, unpredictable defense, hire me. If you want a mediocre, offer-false-hope-because-of-two-good-games-only-to-be-followed-by-many-horrible-games kind of defense, hire one of the many re-treads you are rumored to be considering. (Though if you do hire Keith Butler or anyone who has ever seen Dick LeBeau live for that matter, I would be very understanding).
I would expect a salary of $1.4 million per year, with a bunch of performance clauses thrown in there. My contract should also include a membership to all golf courses in Wisconsin and a helicopter to take me to Door County whenever I deem it necessary.