Does being massively fat equate to NFL coaching success?

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I’ve been thinking about this topic for a while now. The very basic thought that first sparked deeper thinking on this topic arose from this hypothetical scenario: if I were an NFL player and I was told to run extra wind sprints because I ran the wrong route or something, would I harbor any extra resentment if I were told to do this by a super fat coach? Answer: yes.

Well, I decided to study this notion a bit further. I have put together a statistical study so sophisticated that MIT just offered me an honorary PhD in math. Margin for error, zero.

NFL coaches in this study are each assigned to one of 4 weight categories: fit, normal, overweight and massively fat. The success rating is determined by using a 10 point scale. Added weight (pun intended) is given to those coaches who have led their teams deep into the playoffs (except for Brad Childress because he’s a tool).

Here is a rundown of present NFL coaches, their weight, and their success rating:

  • Mike McCarthy – overweight; 7
  • Brad Childress – normal; 6
  • Jim Schwartz – fit; 3
  • Lovie Smith – overweight; 6
  • Mike Shanahan – fit; 7
  • Andy Reid – massively fat; 8
  • Tom Coughlin – normal; 8
  • Wade Phillips – overweight; 7
  • Sean Payton – fit; 9
  • John Fox – overweight; 6
  • Mike Smith – overweight; 8
  • Raheem Morris – fit, 3
  • Pete Carroll – fit; 7 (likely rating after a few NFL years – he will be good)
  • Ken Whisenhunt – fit; 9
  • Mike Singletary – fit; 6
  • Steve Spagnuolo – fit; 3
  • Tom Cable – overweight; 4
  • Josh McDaniels – fit; 6
  • Todd Haley – fit; 3
  • Norv Turner – normal; 7
  • Mike Tomlin – fit; 9
  • John Harbaugh – fit; 8
  • Marvin Lewis – normal; 6
  • Eric Mangini – overweight; 5
  • Bill Behlicheck – overweight, 9
  • Tony Sparano – overweight, 6
  • Rex Ryan – massively fat, 8
  • Chan Gailey – overweight, 5
  • Jim Caldwell – overweight, 8
  • Jeff Fisher – normal, 7
  • Jack Del Rio – normal, 6
  • Gary Kubiak, normal 5

Results of this scientific, incredibly accurate study?

  • 12 fit coaches – average skill level of 6.083
  • 7 normal coaches – average skill level of 6.429
  • 11 overweight coaches – average skill level of 6.4545
  • 2 massively fat coaches – average skill level of 8

So, the best coaches overall are massively fat, followed by overweight, then normal and the worst coaches are fit. Perhaps the extra resentment some players may feel when yelled at by fatter coaches is somehow channeled into a focused anger that is then taken out on the field during games, leading to higher quality play.

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11 Responses to “Does being massively fat equate to NFL coaching success?”

  1. Dave in Tucson Says:

    What makes you think Pete Carroll will succeed in Seattle? The Pats got worse every year he was their HC (finishing 8-8 and out of the playoffs his last season).

    I’m not saying you’re wrong, but there’s plenty of evidence that NCAA success doesn’t always translate to the NFL (Spurrier, Saban, Petrino come immediately to mind…)

    D∈T

  2. awhayes Says:

    Dave – total hunch. I’m guessing that he’s figured some stuff out since his last NFL stint. And because Seattle is coming off a bad year fraught with controversy/negativity, his smiley-guy, positive persona will go over really well with players and management. (Even the constant Seattle rain can’t dampen this guy’s spirits.) It just feels like one of those right guy, right time, right place scenarios.

  3. DaveK Says:

    Maybe the fat gene is linked to the coaching gene. What body type was Lombardi?

    or

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Correlation_does_not_imply_causation

  4. Trav Says:

    I would agree to a point with Carroll’s persona, but I think he bailed on USC when he saw the NCAA sanctions train coming… He saw it could be bad, it would get tied to him and he would lose some of the luster around his college resume, so he took off and left it to someone else to clean up. Ironically, USC chooses Kiffin who was probably a co-conspirator with his recruiting practices that were documented during his short tenure with the Vols. Just seems “weasle-ly” to me. Makes me believe he will bail on Seattle too if they aren’t successful and some college team comes calling.

    Along those lines, while not Packer or NFL-related, same scenario with Calipari at Memphis and now UK. I predict he will bail in the next 2-3 years when some story/stories leak about his team from last season. I put him on that same weasel list (Kiffin, Carroll, Calipari, Rodriguez, Petrino, Saban, Kelly, Crean, Sampson). Wow, that list was off the top of my head and it was way to long. You must have to sell part of your soul to be a D1 coach in a major program.

  5. Travis Says:

    Hey, just thought I’d show you guys this if you haven’t seen it yet.

    http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=nfpost&annotation_id=annotation_772431&feature=iv#p/u/0/kFU07INs6yI

    Al Harris’s recovery. Check out the latest one, part 16.

    He is one committed dude, and he has put in a lot of work to get better. The way he looks now, with 2 months till opening kickoff, I think he’s going to make it. Of course it’s a different story once the pads come on, but he’s moving very fluently, and you can tell he can withstand pressure on his leg. Perfect example is when he is jumping out of the water holding weights. Obviously his knee has come along very nicely, and with all the work he is putting in, it will get stronger and stronger. I really do feel he’ll have the strength back by the time the season starts just by seeing where he’s at, and how hard he’s working.

    The guy deserves this. He has put everything into his rehab, and is one great guy. The speed of his recovery is remarkable considering how badly it was injured. Watch the whole set of his recovery videos. They are great to see, and he’s working with some great people who are making sure he gets to where he needs to be.

    Keep it going Al, your making one hell of a great story!

  6. Trav Says:

    Things aren’t looking up for JaMarcus. Maybe he and Jolly will be sharing a cell?

    http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=5356585

  7. Top 15 Packer Blogs | Cheesehead TV Says:

    […] a voice that is very unique in the Packer Blogosphere. With posts like their current one “Does being massively fat equate to NFL coaching success?” and the name of their blog- it all kind of speaks for […]

  8. awhayes Says:

    Trav – by the way, I think you’re right about Carroll. His clean-cut image seems to be false (and wasn’t there even an affair with a cheerleader thrown in there).

    That said, I still just think he fits with the Seattle way. I could be wrong, but it really seems like the right coach at the right time. In particular, I think he will almost single-handedly resurrect Matt Hasselbeck’s career.

  9. Gwen Borras Says:

    Hey… I don’t know if you’ve been making changes, but your pages aren’t displaying correctly for me. The borders of the text are overlapping. Everything was working the other day. I don’t know if it’s my end or if you’ve made a change… Just thought you might want to look at it. Thanks! Gwen Borras

  10. Josh Gum ( Big Bro ) Says:

    Please re do this to show the success in winning super bowls, winning games is important but the goal is to win a ring, right? I’m talking about the whole history of the super bowl, the last 45 years, I would be very interested in seeing the results. Thanks

  11. Packers/Seahawks Preview | packergeeks Says:

    […] is very good. I don’t like them. I don’t like Pete Carroll (even though I’m on record a few years back claiming he’d be a good NFL coach his second time around. I should restate […]

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